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JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO THE U.S.
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United
States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut
'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of '-ize.' You will relearn your original national
anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
this is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At
the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United
States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut
'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of '-ize.' You will relearn your original national
anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
this is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At
the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese